Woah. That’s a heavy title.

But, I’d argue I need it to be heavy. I need to feel the full weight of it, because that’s the only way I’ll be able to move through it, and then move on from it.

You see, I already had my shot at becoming a web developer. And I threw it away… for money and stability in my current career field (project management in government), but primarily because I lacked confidence. I was riddled with fear…fear of actually getting my dream? What is my dream anyway? There’s a lot to unpack there. But I need to do it. I must. Thanks in advance for reading my journey… without further to do, let’s go down this rabbit hole.

I attended a full stack web development bootcamp in 2016/2017 for six months. I was so excited to start and I did well overall in the beginning, but my confidence waned as time went on. I don’t think it helped I kept comparing myself to a few others in my course who “got” programming better than I did. However, to be honest, I never gave myself a fair chance. I was always in a time crunch and worried about my grades in order to graduate. I’m a terrible student who is willing to take shortcuts when I’m under that kind of pressure. So I wouldn’t put as much effort into my homework and focused more on the group projects instead, barely passing my assignments or taking advantage of the two zeroes allowed to still pass. My personal growth as a developer stagnated by the end of the bootcamp so even though I did graduate, how could I possibly feel confident going after an entry level job? Plus, I had also started a role in project management consulting for the government and getting paid nicely. I was busy and enjoyed the stability of my paycheck and felt a sense of purpose at work. How could I give that up? And just like that, my web developer dream went on hold.

I always regretting choosing security over adventure. But that’s how they get you. That nice paycheck and upward growth, at least in the beginning. I wanted to be a web developer for a number of different reasons including having a [technical] trade that is applicable across industries, unlimited potential for growth, and [most importantly] job flexibility. The high paying developer roles caught my eye for sure, but the surrounding benefits are really what hooked me.

So here I find myself in the bind I knew I’d always be in. We had to move states for my husband’s job in the military and I wasn’t able to keep my same role I had grown to love. My job now is fine and I still love my company, but I would have really loved to continue working on my project until it was completed. I miss my team and co-workers. I miss that sense of purpose. My job now feels aimless and unimportant to me. Plus, I have to go into the office every day and deal with a commute. Now that I am a parent, it would be nice to have some more time at home and flexibility that comes with teleworking. And man, I sure do miss having a sense of purpose at work.

When starting a new goal it’s crucial to understand the WHY behind it. Maybe that’s what was lacking the first time – my why was too vague. I want all those same things now, but I want them so much more than ever before. This time the why is intense and forged in some fire.

Thank you, dear reader, for taking the time to understand my history. Your empathy is much appreciated. I hope my story will inspire you to explore your failures and finally move on from them. As I head into 2022 I don’t want to put too much pressure on myself for big resolutions, BUT I finally need to put to rest my goal of becoming a web developer. Will I end up with a web dev job by the end of the year? Maybe. But my true goal for 2022 is to get an updated portfolio together for my projects and maybe even link this blog up to it. And in the process of working on my portfolio I have a few projects I’m going to showcase that are all my own ideas. No tutorials, nothing that’s in a course. All original apps and content. That will be how I gain the confidence I need to get into web dev – it’s harder but oh so worth it.

Wish me luck!

And Happy New Year friends!! 🍾🥂🎆